Whenever a bunch of my friends get together without me I live in perpetual fear that they’re going to jointly decide not to talk to me anymore. I go over everything I’ve said and done to any of them in my head over and over again, trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I’m going to lose all of them.  

This is especially true in this case, with these friends. I feel more at home with them than I ever have with any particular group of people before and some of my absolute closest friends are there.

I’m vaguely more sane than I used to be, which means I realize that this is at least somewhat crazy, but I’m still rather worried about it.

I really hope it doesn’t happen. I hope they all return and want to be my friends just as much as they did when they left. 

I also hope they have an awesome time. They all deserve it, albeit for very different reasons.

I miss them. I miss them together and separately. I miss them for very different reasons and in very different ways. I really hope they don’t come back hating me. 

If I could cast 1 wish it would be for you to feel a kind of comfort with me that I don’t know that you’ve ever felt.

I wish we both weren’t always getting burned.

In a dream I saw my face saying you can’t get there from here.

In a beautiful dream, you, your two people, their two other people, and I live a beautiful life together.

Also, I hope tonight is not the only night like this.

2011 has been a crazy year in so many ways- probably the most life-altering since 2008, and that year someone fell on me and I made a major move.

Over the last 2-3 weeks my life has changed substantially, in a way I would never have guessed it would and won’t discuss, even here. Otherwise… 1. I finally recovered enough to truly and legitimately appreciate the ability to climb outside-something I apparently didn’t even appreciate before the kid fell on me. 2. I fell out of love, totally, finally. 3. I found somewhere I feel more at home than even the house in which I grew up. 4. I learned how to think. 5. I stopped caring what a certain exceedingly influential person thinks, which seems to have led to him thinking a lot better of me. 6. I started playing dangerous games with mythical creatures… Some of which I’m still critically involved in. 7. my dad.

6 is the dangerous one. #7 is the bad one, but for different reasons.

If no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, what does it mean if one particular mythical being seems to always be able to bring you down? Other than that I’m always consenting, I guess.

I can’t wait for the new.

I screwed up my finger again today. I didn’t warm up properly and I climbed too hard too quickly and may have seriously re-injured it. 

My mistake, my stupidity, my injury. I just hope it doesn’t keep me out this season. I have to start taking better care of myself. I will baby my finger (and my elbow)… but I need to start putting effort into getting to bed at a reasonable hour (clearly not tonight), going to sleep to music, not a screen, not going out all the time, etc. My body is suffering for the way I’ve been abusing it. My finger was a stupid mistake, but I know its worse because I haven’t been taking care of it. My elbow has also gotten worse recently because I haven’t been taking care of myself. I also need to call Kurtas, or at least get another massage. 

I also need a haircut, but that’s a much easier fix.

Suddenly, people die. Suddenly, people are in jail. Suddenly, life is real.

All the names are standard. Granted, its not every Tom, Dick, and Harry (no 3rd rock here), but its still every Nick, Kate, Mike, Dan, Lauren, and Ryan.

Suddenly life is real.

Please, when I die, before my time or not, someone alert rutgers prep.

Rip…

Kate Huether Lauren Felton Ryan Patterson